On this edition of DEAR SALAD, Ms. Ambrosia Salad chats with a hairspray fanatic, a Scruffer avoiding that inevitable wife & kids talk, and a female online lurker.
Dear Salad –
My mother always used to say the taller the hair the closer to God. The other day I teased my hair and it was the tallest it has ever been. As I was standing in my kitchen making myself dinner I started to to smell smoke. I look up and my hair is in flames! I guess a couple locks got too close to a lightbulb. If what my mother says is true, than why would God let my gorgeously tall hair burn? Is God no longer from friend?
Satan Is In My Hairspray
Dear Hair Heretic,
You’re better off saving up for a fierce wig in Hell. Cause that’s most likely where we’re all going. Stop with this trying to get closer to God business. Quit trying to make yourself taller and start thinking more about keeping closer to what’s beneath you. If I could tell you how many times I’ve had my ass up and face down to the ground, I’d swear Satan himself was trying to call me home. Whether you’re drunk and falling flat on your face, or sober and looking under your bed for a missing molly. That’s where you’re gonna spend most of you’re time. On the ground. So call Satan now and ask him to reserve you a hot seat at Beelzebub’s Barber Salon.
In this technological day-and-age, it’s safe to say everyone is guilty of lurking on their most recent hookups and crushes. I recently met a man with a rather public work life and have even become a fan of some of his pieces, but I’m embarrassed to admit that I dug so deep to even find them! Meanwhile, he’s gushing about the same said pieces and here I am pretending like I have no idea what they even are! How does one go about prying with caution, and better yet, going about your admiration while maintaing your cool?
I’ll Tumbl For You
Unless you’re stalking a rich Asian man who’s been gushing about how many billion dollar companies he’s bought out, quit wasting your time. This guy sounds like a real hippie. I bet he’s an artist. How many artists do you really know that are gonna take you on their private jet to see a famous opera in Florence one night and then give you their platinum card for a girls day out on Paris the next? And chances are if you really are an online stalker, then this rich Asian man I wanna hook you up with is perfect! That way you can win his trust, get his laptop password and find all the child porn sites he goes on to expose him for all he’s worth! Taking everything he’s got, and leaving him high and dry. Then you can whisk your hippie crush away on a private jet to Burning Man, where you can make hippie love art together. The End.
Get to it.
Dear Salad –
I’m in a bit of a pickle. I met this man a couple months back that I was totally into. When he told him that he had a wife and a daughter I decided to do the right thing and put my dick back in my pants. Well, I just found him on Scruff and he messaged me. When I brought up his wife and daughter he told me that I was crazy, that he had never been married and that he has no kid. Do I ignore him, bang him, or berate him?
Always the Scruffer Never the Bride
Dear Always the fat girl bridesmaid who only wishes the scenario you wrote me was true, but imagines it to herself anyways to keep the focus off of how lonely and bitter she really is,
Oh that’s it. We’re you expecting an answer? Sorry, I gotta go. This married man I just met on scruff arrived, and I think he brought his little girl with him. Sounds kinky……..
Keep those questions coming folks!